Trying.

Its hard, after being so frightened for so long, to learn to be alone again. Not just being alone without being lonely, but being alone at all. Its an important skill to re-learn, but I have absolutely no idea how to go about it. I think throwing yourself in the deep end, for at least a little bit of time, knowing others are around if you need them, is a good start. I used to be alone a lot, and really enjoyed it. I wonder where that feeling went, the enjoyment. I think fear kills it a bit, so I've got to find it again. Somewhere.

Change.

I think I've somehow learnt to hate change.
I used to be the sort of person who would roll with the punches, swap and move about at the drop of a hat, take advice and run with it at a moments notice.
Now, things aren't like that. A small change like a choice of dinners leaves me all over the place and lost. 
I am learning to hate that.
It feels very insecure and confusing.
Not nice at all.
The worst thing is, I don't know what at all to do about it.

I don't know.

Its hard to work out what to say on here sometimes. I wonder if people actually read it. If people do, is that awesome because my thoughts are getting an audience, or is it not awesome because people are reading my thoughts? Or is this writing just going into the cyberspace circular file, no-one is reading it and I'm actually talking to myself? If that's the case, is it good because my writing is private, or bad because no-one wants to read my self-indulgent crap?
I don't know.

Retail therapy.

Retail therapy is so under-rated.
Today I was actually able to forget about all the bullshit thats happened over the last few months and just enjoy some retail therapy. Its been a long time since I've just been able to live in the moment, to enjoy what I'm doing at any present time, not have to worry about what comes next all the time.
Of course my bank balance isn't too pleased with that, but it can go spin on a rusty nail. A girl's gotta shop ;)

Sad.

Had a family member pass away on the weekend. Well, a biological family member. I never knew him, but he was the father of my father. I feel distant about it. Sad, but distant. I never knew him. I feel more for my father than I do for myself, or for him. Its a very mixed up set of emotions. I wish May would just go away. This is getting ridiculous.

Blah.

Some days, I feel like I'm an ant. Tiny, scurrying around, getting all this stuff done at an amazing pace. But in the end, it all feels pretty pointless. I'm not being negative on purpose, or a martyr, but what is the point really? There has to be one. If there's not... that, my friend, is depressing.

Explaining more.

This blog is my chance to get out all the thoughts and ideas that have been stuck inside my head for such a long time, especially about the last few months. I might post poetry or song lyrics I've written (and if this is the case, all intellectual property belongs to me and no you CAN'T borrow it :P), random thoughts, whatever. I'm going to use this as a kind of therapy, I guess. So... hang on for the ride. :)